woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
just landed in detroit. Currently holding a bag of my own vomit. neighbor told me it was the most graceful vom she has ever seen. Kicking off bar exam week in style.
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
It's been so long since i rode in a trunk. I'm riding in a trunk btw
and on the second day it was tequilla tuesday. and the lord saw it was good.
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
Its not that I don't mind giving her as much as my penis as she wants, its the post sex cigarette I have to supply. Shits $9 a pack.
Put a tip jar next to your bed from now on.
Your good ideas are reason #4 we need to live together.
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
the bride at the wedding we just crashed said we can stay only if we strip for her. You need to get down here
Pretty sure my body is in shock, I shouldn't feel this ok after last nite.
I have a diplomatic trade for you. My pants for your rum. Tomorrow?
i convinced him to be a french maid for halloween. he has no idea what he's in for. i just ordered the breast forms.
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
His exact words: "I don't have anything you can't treat with antibiotics."
Randomize
