New drinking game: drink every time the guy whose room we are in is creepy
enjoy the hospital
if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
my goal is to masturbate without thinking about my exbf.
the last thing i remember is yelling at the cab driver that i'm really good at drive by vomitting.
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
You crossed every boundary on the boundary spectrum last night. You're like the illegal immigrant of drunk actions. No more holiday drinking for you.
just saw a guy snowshoeing to the liqour store
was it you?
...yes
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
I slept through 4/20 and my roommates bought an entire ham that's just sitting in the fridge...
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
tinder day one and i already had more guys message me about "the girl with the big tits in my second picture" than about me. MY 17 YEAR OLD SISTER CAN GET LAID WITHOUT EVEN HAVING TO MAKING A PROFILE
to be fair she does have a great rack
If I get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to celebrate. If I don't get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to forget. Win-Win
Your mom has reinvented the use of a ping pong ball.
I may have just got motorboated by a male stripper who told me I should be a porn star and not a vet student.
Randomize
