It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
you two started sword fighting with 3 ft tall spruce trees you pulled out of planters
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
Starting the weekend with a pair of pants on which the zipper wont stay up. Is this a sign of things to come??
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
I'm curious as to what my outfit choices drunk me made for this weekend.
I would bite a mans dick off for a chocolate milk.
Settled one third of the tab. Am going back for sex. Love you, make friends
Hahahaha .. If it makes you feel better I had a sex dream about a cheeseburger last night so I feel like we both lose.
so dehydrated I couldn't fill the pee cup to the right line for my drug test for school. I was like sorry it was my birthday yesterday
Randomize
