Hahahhahaha! Oooh get it! Ugh I am so dead but if I go to the lib whuich I will hopefully b havung sex instead, ill hit u up
so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
Dude I reek of $2.50 pitchers, $1 off/pack marlboro cigs, and fear.
Fear?
FEAR.
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
An hour is enough time for me to get drunk and win a dry hump marathon so I hope you have somewhat similar or better goals
I just went to add a song I had never heard before to my "high as fuck" playlist and it was already there.
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
I asked him to help me break in the space ship aka my bed.
He told me that when he bends me over that chair I remind him of a bull rider. So thanks for being the ex that helps my present sex life
Afterwards he face timed like four of his friends screaming he banged the hot intern.
I would definitely ride that dick into the sunset if nuggets are involved
I had a rough night. I'm just gonna lay here and masturbate for a while before I have to go adult.
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Like how do you live your life and have never made a grilled cheese? The audacity of some people
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