What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
She came over with Guinness cupcakes, a case of Mickeys, wearing an Ireland flag & nothing else.
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
I bruised my spine.. Jungle gyms were clearly not meant for sex.
Don't count me out just yet. Considering bartering a blowjob to see if that boy from work will take my shift.
Just fucking put out. It'll be a good lay, promise. Stop being a prude. Damn it. A boy is trying to put his penis in you. APPRECIATE IT.
He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?
No you don't understand. This tree is really alive. Like in Pocahontas.
I found out that rock climbing and alcohol does not go together. Ask my broken arm.
My good Christian morals say no, but my complete disregard of anything related to religion says yes
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
He just told me my boobs made up for all the bad things that had ever happened to him. I'm definately having sex with him again.
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