I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
His mom made me a necklace that i am supposed to wear to prom. She included a note with it, which had a star trek quote. What have I gotten myself into?
currently walking past a fire hyrdrant with a hose already attatched.. this could be dangerous..
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
I demand visitation hours with the duck.
I asked her politely not to touch my dick
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
Handcuffed our DD to a naked stripper don't think he will try to sneak out
He can pick locks you know
That's the reason for the naked stripper
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
Is it bad that I want a job purely so I can buy drugs with without feeling like I am sacrificing my future?
Why do you think I have a job?
She gave me a can of steel reserve to pour on myself in the shower
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
We walked around last night for hours saying nothing but nom nom nom and barking at each other.
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