like if they didnt have tits and vagina, they have no idea how uninteresting to us they would be
If it looks like I didn't change from last night, it's because I didn't.
My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
It was that same situation where "cuddling on the floor" was actually just code for "rough shameful hate sex" hahaha.
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
Even though he was watching you pee on his bedroom floor, you kept denying it and saying he was dreaming
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
came home to a trail of roses from the door halfway up the stairs. but my nonsingle roommate lives downstairs. idk if they celebrated on the stairs or if some girl tried to woo me last night and i don't remember
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
NOTHING IN THE WORLD IS GOOD SOFT
NOT ICECREAM NOT DICKS
NOTHING
I just drank beer out of an old Vicodin bottle hoping to catch some residue. That's how finals week is going
So I'm already mostly naked in a kind of bed but obviously too lazy to take my boots off. It's like January 1st is already here
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
Randomize
