evidently tequilla and lady gaga make me flirt and grind shamlessly with other men infront of my boyfriend.
wtf he couldnt undo my bra, i asked him if it was his first time and he said "with a girl? yeah"
nobody understood you. You kept speaking french and hiding shit in your boobs
we'll hang out once this whole, "your friends are robbers and drug addicts" thing blows over with my parents.
he came up my nose again i swear he does this just to piss me off
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
you trust me enough to eiffel tower a girl but don't trust me with a mallet wtf happened to our friendsship
Please take a moment of silence for the fact that I still have all 10 fingers
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
I just had a very enlightening conversation with my hat. we need more of whatever the fuck that was.
So he apologized for peeing on my floor.. then we fucked all night.
Real classy
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
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