Did I show you my penis last night?
just as they were cutting his pants off he made em stop & said "everyone knows about shrinkage right".
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
I'd like to thank you fucktards for dumping the WHOLE box of Tricuits in my bed after I passed out.
He looks like a fat version of lurch from the adams family and smells like fritos. This is not the caliber man I want pleasuring himself to the thought of me!
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
Let me begin to explain the rest of last night by beginning with saying that out if necessity I took a pair of your underwear
I know, but the fabulousness of my baggies should not be what defines my business as a drug dealer.
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
You never know true fear until you're on your period in a house full of white furniture.
Just so were clear your wife is cut off from my dick.
I mentioned the porn thing he mentioned a brother it all kinda just came together
I answered the booty call in my Trophy Wife cutoff and my ex-boyfriends sweatpants with a bottle of jager.
and how was that received?
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
You claimed that someone else had vomited underneath you/on your hand
you were very insulted that we didn’t believe you that someone else vommed
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