he refuses to go down on me anymore when he's high because he thinks my clit piercing stares at him
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
No. I still stand by my previous statement that nachos and tequila is the breakfast of champions.
We tried having a conversation with our noses.
I'm sitting in class drinking a forty out of a paper bag. No ones said anything yet. I think my professor is trying to ignore me. Better start yelling louder.
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
Thought about it. I'm gonna go to work, but I'm gonna tell them I wrestled a bear saying I fell just isn't working.
I mixed Jack with hot chocolate. This may be the best or worst idea ever. I have yet to find that out
The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
Randomize
