had no condoms so I just made do with an empty doritos bag.
Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
hows that letter of apology to the waitress at waffle house coming?
Fact: my bamboo plant has grown 2 & 1/2 inches since I started watering it with bong water
so, the parking garage attendent caught us humping in the car. long story short, we have free parking whenever we want! take that abstinence.
From the trajectory of the puke, I must have fallen off the top bunk while trying to vomit, due to the dented bucket, ruined carpet, and bruised dignity I now own.
boobs and vodka. thats all i can remember, finals week needs to stop ending like this..
Wore last nights jeans to Christmas Dinner with the fam, found a half gram of blow, while they're praying ill be railing.
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
That penis will go down in history. It's the Helen of Troy of dicks. I will conquer it and the tale will live on for future generations to learn from
I dunno. Last time I went there I had got sexually propositioned by a Belgian prince.
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
Do you ever just feel the storm building inside of you that tells you you're ready for a giant indiscriminate fuckfest?
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