he left me a 6 minute video of him peeling a clementine listening to justin bieber
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
I can't believe I'm wasting this thong on a guy in a sweater vest.
come find me. Outside the bar we were just in waving my syringe in the air
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
It was like the perfect storm of bad decisions.
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
i think the theme of this summer is "shitting in weird locations."
Do you think we could brew coffee with beer? I'm thinking a hazelnut Guinnesspresso can only end with pure awesome.
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
Stormed out of the house in frustration and now I'm in public and have to take a rage dump. Today sucks.
Yeah I mean subtle isn't how I'd describe your flirtation strategy last night
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!
Rock bottom: having sex rejected while your boyfriend talks in his sleep as you stuff your face with Girl Scout cookies
we started drinking at 4pm, somehows its 1 am im in bathing suit running from the cops.....any explanation of what happened?
Randomize
