i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
his dick got so hard in his pants and it broke his zipper
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
I'm not gonna lie. having my legs shaved for me in the morning was a lovely surprise.
Just looked in the mirror and i look like ive been gang banged. Im so proud of my boyfriend it almost hurts
you should be careful. everyone knows your chances of pregnancy increase by 100 percent when youre the daughter of a religious figure
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
You know I'm dangerous when I have make-out withdrawals
My Wonder Woman lingerie has been defiled by man. I'm a horrible Amazon.
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
I wore grinch underwear to my well woman exam this morning and I feel like I adulted successfully today.
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
Randomize
