Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
she thought the capital of kansas was topanga.
If a man's penis is referred to as "the family jewels" does that make a woman's vagina a jewelry box?
You tried to poop in the sink last night.
I just smoked my last bit of kief with a grill lighter. This is what crackheads must feel like.
There's always time for handjobs
Dude she gave you head while I was in the closet, we've passed the "awkward" phase.
I know it I should, but it's kinda nice. It's smells like unbridled enthusiasm and copious amounts of melt your face off sex.
Well I think I made it pretty obvious I wasn't in to it. I was drinking a beer while he was going down in me
barely 48 hours and I've done the dirty on both of my roommates beds before they've even slept in them
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
We ended the night eating peanutbutter with our hands and smoking cigarettes in the house at 4am. Fucking Everclear, man.
Someone threw up pink in the shower, there's a golf cart tipped over on the lawn and Cousin Brian is missing. What could Friday night throw at us?
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
Randomize
