You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
you won't ask to borrow his earbuds because you think it's gross, but you'll have sex with him?
theyre doing DJ Khaled impressions again...
why does my status of facebook already read REHAB 2011
The entire time I'm blowing him she's in the back seat lecturing me on the reasons why you're not suppose to do that while they're driving...
Your beautifulness. Funnyness. Sexy hairness. Coolness. Plus you ask google how far wendys is from your house. Will you marry me
Pretty sure he sprained my tongue. This is why you don't hook up with gingers.
You should imdb "mourning wood" to see what I'm doing with my $80,000 English degree today
Put some vodka in it
Its 7am
put some vodka in it
Most girls get hit on with a $7.00 drink. You get hit on with a $750K plane.
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
I'm going to make you a sign to put on your penis to ward others off
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
I hooked up with a sophomore, passed out at midnight, and apparently drunkenly peed on Nicole's wedding invitation
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
Randomize
