It's more exciting when they aren't single....and even better when you have to pretend that you just slept with their roommate while trying to do the walk a shame as their girlfriend comes marching into the apt.
Im not the least bit jealous of the life you lead.
So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
those are such fre$h shoes
going to ignore the use of the word "fresh" in a sentence that isnt related to produce and/or other food stuffs and especially the part where you replaced an "s" with a dollar sign
my neighbors are having lesbo sex right now.
I'm on my way.
but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
I was in the shower, he came in, had me give him a blow job, and left. I'm pretty sure I was just booty called. While taking a shower.
Dude just walked down the street literally wearing nothing but a small box around his waist carrying a case of beer. I want to live here for the rest of my life.
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
NATIONAL GIVE A BOSTON COP A BLOW JOB BITCH ROAD TRIP NOW
This is the third year in a row that Mario has fallen through a table on New Years. I'm sensing a tradition developing.
The quality of my porn watching experience has significantly declined. Thanks shattered iphone screen
On a serious note, don't let me forget to tell you about firecracker baseball. I'm glad I have my fingers. I had to count them.
I looked like a tiger in heat. He didn't know if I wanted to fuck him or eat him.
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
Randomize
