i think the semi hot bartender might actually be a man in drag..on a similar note, what are you drinking?
dude i just heard a girl tell another girl 'what part of im trying to get laid tonight dont u understand?'
needless to say i wont be back home tonight
you were so high that you made a 14 page PowerPoint on why Santa would beat Peter pan in a fight.
and I must say, you were very persuasive
She was so loose she sounded like a jar of salsa. I didn't know that was even possible.
You can't see him, he's in front of the dildo, but Amelia Earhart is blocking your view.
Until you wake up with a Hustler club stripper in the next room whose nipple you were coerced to lick at Snake & Jake's after breaking up a fight between an Indian and a Filipino, I don't wanna hear about your weird.
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
Is it sad that I have better conversations with his roommate before or after sex than I do with him in general?
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
he has to serve us drink and appetizers in his french maid costume for the Pirates game tonight. Bring everyone.
I didn't pop out of a cake in a speedo with diagrams
In case that's what u were picturing
His brother just asked him in all seriousness if it would be cool if they became eskimo brother brothers.
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
Sometimes I refuse to go through a door until someone holds it open for me because I'm a fucking lady.
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
Randomize
