I like how you formally end text interactions, just turn your phone off or don't respond you pervert
I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
So, I was thinking... Since this restraining order doesn't go into affect until monday, that leaves us 5 days to wreck his world.
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
Do you think that my Facebook profile picture kinda look like im being raped by a 10 foot polar bear ?
I woke up to a shot of jager next to my face. I felt bad for it so i drank it
Did you see the video of me eating a marshmellow on fire?
my friend was passed out in the bathroom so I threw up in the coffee maker, not the pot the water reservoir that kind of drunk.
I really love you gals. I'm sorry again. I'm just super protective of my poutine
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
i told you i was taking the Metra Train, and you asked what type of drug that was.. so yes i believe you when you say you were fucked up
I like to make sure they know it's casual by giving then a high five after sex
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