Had sex with him. My tampon is now in my brain. May need surgery.
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
Lady GaGa only went backwards in convincing me she's not a man at the VMAs.
im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
i've never seen someone face fit so perfectly in a toilet bowl
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
its official: beach shits are the exact same as mountain shits
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
I think it may of been me pulling down my pants is why she walked away.
He's grinding topless with a group of girls to that discovery channel song. May I take a message?
No Robbie is the name of a kid or dog, not an adult man who's fucking you.
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
You fell asleep standing up against the shower wall
No dude. I can't think of anything LESS sexy than yodeling
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