he believed the zit on my nose was a piercing...until he tried to bite it. needless to say he didnt ask for my number
I like complaining with weaving words and complex sentences. It makes me seem more sophisticated and less bitchy.
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
How many people slept in the bouncy castle last night?
4 guys, 1 girl. Pretty sure were gonna have to pay the cleaning fee
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
I'm eating ramen over the toilet. Fuck my life
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
We were getting fries and you hopped the counter and yelled "WELCOME TO GOOD BURGER HOME OF THE GOOD BURGER" and threw up
He said you asked to eat pepperoni off his dick and he thought it was weird
I mean I thought it sounded fun
Life achievement unlocked: I just ate a Slim Jim "Lady and the Tramp" style with a guy in a bar.
I'm spring cleaning all of the fuck boys out of my life.
If I were better looking, this would be the point where I'd resign myself to stripping.
OH MY GOD REMEMBER ALL THAT I LOVE NEW YORK I DVRED BECAUSE I JUST DID
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
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