Let's go to weight watchers and eat in front of them.
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
he's drinking beer at home in his underwear tonight and if you want to come over the dresscode is underwear only. And you have to bring beer.
you were exchanging tortilla chips with the guy at the next table, telling him your table was given the "big chips" because it was your 21st birthday
I just want to go to their admissions office and show them the video of him taking the flaming shot, and be like yeah...you let in the kid who lit his entire face on fire over me.
If you are drunk already, then as your friend I am advising you to stop writing on your dads Facebook wall
It's still to early in our relationship to tell her I was sleeping in my car
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
You told me my blanket felt like ground beef.
Your stoned with a 2 year old in the room....and that makes you want to have babies?!
He has what he calls a "Ben Franklin". It's a pubic hairdo based on the man himself; long on the sides and bald in the middle.
Its a sick, sad, world when parents get more ass then you.
Just a suggestion, don't apricot scrub your vagina.
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
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