I just threw up on my dentist
I wonder what it would be like to masturbate in space
just snorted lines off a mancala board. I'm destined to win this game.
Best morning ever. I saw a bum giving another bum a blowjob downtown.
the kid next to me in training is drinking sangria. its 9am here in case you couldnt calculate. its going to be a good year.
Her tits were the only thing that upgraded her from "no way in fuck" to "drunken mistake"
I dont know, my roommate got arrested but I'm gunna get some tacos no matter what
when he was about to finish he told me to avert my eyes and keep my lady parts away. chivalry isnt dead.
i havent blinked in 235 seconds. now 247. now 258. 263. 267. 271. i also have been gifted with theability to both type and count and not blink. 293 so magical
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
I'm getting shit face wasted, and I have to be up so early tomorrow. I am bad at smart.
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
I stole the butter cup cuz i brought home my rolls and chicken and didnt want the butter everywhere. I miss your body because its amazing.
A guy I don't even know just ate me out on a washing machine at a random persons afterparty. I came as it was going through spin cycle.Just kept thinking "who does laundry during a party?"
Randomize
