I've officially put my junk in foods from 5 of the 6 layers of the nutrition pyramid
the only reason I knew his name is because half way through I looked up and it was tatooed on his chest.
soooo.. i guess the cop said he'd drop the charges if i go to some AA meetings and i said fuck AA. not one of my better choices.
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
Is it bad when your hot neighbor is crying on her porch, and your 2nd thought is "maybe her boyfriend cheated on her and she'll want to fuck me for revenge sex?"
Perfectly normal.
His apology was sex and a subway sandwich. Strangely, I'm okay with that.
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
I'm at the level of despair that only Panda Express can fix
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
When you accidentally text the wrong guy for a dick pic and your surprised you get one In return. He just got on my "to do" list
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
just creeped your profile pictures and you should feel satisfied in knowing that you had great eyebrows even before people started drawing them on
He just peed in the cab. I repeat..IN.
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