I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
Brutally Honest is my real middle name, Princess just sounds better.
dude. FULL moustache. it was like getting head from Tom Selleck
finally cleaned my dorm for the first time all year. bleach is awesome.
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
It didn't get weird until she took off her underwear, looked down, and said "fill her up!"
She just told me she's too full for a reach-around. Sad.
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
Do you find Darth Vader masks attractive?
So I totally had sex In a teepee last night at that wedding reception.
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
I think I hear the ice cream truck
I could be going crazy though
NO IT IS THE ICE CREAM TRUCK IT'S ALMOST AT YOUR STOP
Long story short I shit on a sidewalk while walking with multiple people. Then sprinted around the streets of Tallahassee in only gym shorts as I tore my toga off and wore it as a cape.
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
I admit I fucked your best friend, but to be fair, you fucked the tristate area. So there's a good chance about 40% of those people are MY friends.
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