My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
I may or may not have slept in someones apt on your street because they told me I was fun sized like a mini snickers
It's so hard to take my boss as an authorative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall
He thinks MY vagina is tight. That's saying something.
Have you ever tried running while drinking 151?
The two guys from next door helped him do a backflip. The ended up throwing him halfway through a ceiling tile. Don't worry, we fixed it with duct tape.
Im thinking about quitting weed for my dog
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
Just do let me go home with anyone especially I a guy with a hair sweater
It's hot as dicks out. Lets get drunk on the roof and make pterodactyl sounds at people.
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
You haven't lived until you've thrown up naked in a hotel room in Fargo while holding your breasts so they don't touch the toilet bowl.
Did I tell you that I told him I deleted his dick pics and he almost started crying?
My apartment stinks of burning failure
He’s perfect! He listens to Genesis during sex and has a VW bus!
You really are from the panhandle, aren’t you?
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