I don't care how hungover you are were not listening to enya
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
you called me and cried until i agreed to record a rap about our lives with you
I don't care how many kiddie pools are in our house. One is too many.
So I totally just used margarita salt for a body scrub.
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
And by pregame I mean drink heavily and watch Russian dash cam car crash vids
Thank you <3 he just looked at me, fist bumped me, and asked me what was on my titty....we may cut her off
She's chasing her own tail and is afraid of her own feet. My stoner cat, ladies and gentlemen.
You know if we weren't hooking up I think we'd actually be friends
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
Are you drunk already?
Not already - at LAST.
Maybe? I'm not shaving my pubes for a maybe type of night.
Randomize