i hope my daughter doesn't end up with cankles. no guy likes cankles.
I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
i find it a beautiful talent that i know how much pubic hair the girl in the next stall has just from the sound of her urine
They wont let us in. Theyve some sort of no Daft Punk costume rule
i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.
I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
He asked if I wanted to leave my bra on while we were doing it from behind bc he read somewhere that all that pounding can be painful for big breasts. THAT thoughtful.
Turned out not to be so bad. He had a big dick and i owed him for all the free beer over the year.
Got a personal ride from safe ride. I was crying so hard. The driver said think of something happy and I said Disney. In which I sang him Aladdin. So I got home ok
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
Man in California was arrested for killing and eating a wild bobcat while high on crystal meth. Let's please NEVER get that high on anything...
Then you better bring Starbucks and a box of condoms in the morning.
Oh shit. This is getting real.
We found her on the balcony debating if it was easier to jump or throw up. Neither decision would not have been good for the 91 year old below us.
Sorry I told all the other bridesmaids you were an asshole. I had had a few drinks and it's how I felt at the time.
Randomize
