Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
he just came in and straightened the chair and left again
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
I'm lying on the floor in the back room praying my boss doesn't come to work today.never again
She literally just puked and rallied AT HER OWN WEDDING. Welcome to White Trash town, America.
Drank a fosters this weekend and last weekend. Listening to down under 5 times a day. Spent 100 dollars on a sleeveless men at work shirt circa 1983. We don't leave for another 5 weeks. I call it pregaming.
Just made a list of all the guys I've hooked up with. "Roofie tattoo eyelids", "xanex night guy", "rainy concert", "cory blanket" and "naked hottub guy" made it.
You are a special snowflake. A special snowflake I wouldn't mind rough sex with
I woke up naked on my couch playing a video game I thought I had dreamed about... oh yeah, and someone cut my hair.
Aw don't be embarrassed. It was all good fun! We've all been there. You can't come to vegas and NOT get a little alcohol poisoning. That's like going to church and not praying.
I can't hang out tomorrow. A boy wants to feed me ice cream and touch my boobs. Priorities.
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
well it was naive of you to actually think you're the only bday sex he had lined up for him today. I'm just suprised he actually had a line forming outside of his room
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
Randomize
