Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.
i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
He was sweet. He even warned me that his dick curved, and I quote, "more than a banana."
just caught a 10 year old kid staring at my dick next to me in the urinal. i just nodded to him and said yeah, mines bigger little dude. i gotta stop drinking in public....
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
Hahahaaa There's this one girl crying hysterically and wrapped around (i believe) her ex's leg. He's trying to shake her off without spilling his beer. This is fucking priceless.
I think the closest to heaven you can get in this world is your morning dump after a night of Molly
My underwear said "hard to get" on the butt. He laughed when he took them off.
I came home to him frying bacon to put in his beer. He said bacon beer lights, taste the awesomer rockies
Idk you're asking me for advice on dating bro, after I told you I got a convicts number today.
Who the fuck just called me and played funkytown
I am playing in the snow in my bunny outfit. GET OVER HERE
I WANNA... wait, will you kinkshame me?
Nah.
I WANNA KNOW WHAT HE SMELLS LIKE
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