i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
How do 1 in 4 women misread a pregnancy test; how stupid are women?
So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
Nah, I'm just going to keep fucking him until he realizes we're perfect for each other.
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
I can practically hear my vag and my conscience fighting.
literally. a puddle of blood. on the floor. still searching for the source
We enjoyed our moment of partial gayness together
Do what? I was just saying that at some point there's a chance I'll have a boner. Think of it like a guessing game. "Does he have one now?"
casual night just sitting in the kitchen at 2 am eating stale chips and hot sauce while my friends younger sister is cleaning all the blood off my body
Fried chicken is a must. Do strippers eat fried chicken or should I plan on something else?
Come get your boy. He's cuddling with a bag of rice on the floor.
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
dude, totally just walked home...using pizza as gloves
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