I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
No more parties with babies... I can't do that again.
True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.
Remember in school when they told us our vag was made just the right size for our future husband? I must say I am enjoying trying to find that perfect fit.
Using your Catholic School education as an excuse for this? Why didn't I think of that?!
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
he likes to slap my ass alot untill he missed and hit his own balls poor bastard kept on going.
You're in the clear; you and Andrew did not joint fingerbang that girl on the dance floor last night.
At least one of us had a weekend full of money and dick
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
He’s basically a sexual superhero. A mild mannered marketing intern by day, but a very horny 22 year old with pornstar stamina at nights!
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