mom just called and i was mid bong hit but i answered anyways coughing and sounding rough she the apologized for waking her little angel up. its 2PM
My family is watching Intervention and taking notes. I need to leave NOW!
Please, do not let 'babydaddy' catch on as your petname for me.
I'm proud of us, I'm cleaning up the place and I haven't found a single beer can that isn't empty.
just had to shower sitting down. i hope this isn't an indicator of how the rest of my week is going to go.
Lots of alcohol. 3rd graders fuck me now.
Auto correct or actual 3rd graders?
Shame tastes like burnetts and latex
We HAVE another bedroom, it's not like I was gunna chain you into the closet. Often.
Just puked in my hallway. Good start to a great night
After what I experienced at 6am this morning, all I can say is chew your noodles thoroughly.
I distinctly remember telling him "I'll suck your dick while you eat pizza"
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
Your clever response has earned you a blow job this week
You wouldn't put pants on to see my parents.
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
Randomize
