Luol and I just scored with two 40 year old married chicks. They dropped us off on the way to soccer prctic. The kids in the back were confused. Call me.
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
still wasted. at home depot . just threw up in one of the demo showers. not okay.
Did someone do a keg stand in my bathtub?
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
I was trying to be an adult about it and simply deal with the situation, but a bowl seemed much more comforting.
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
Whatever. I hate you. My vagina hates you. I hope a bird shits on your head today.
I just got home and someone ate all my chicken nuggets. Bitches be asking for a death sentence?
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
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