its like his balls were made of silver and he was trying to polish the tarnish off
I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
we put a pacifier in your mouth because you kept drunkenly singing country music.
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
She saves ONE person's life while blacked out and now she's positive anything can be done "while fucking hammered"
I own a halfway home for drunk girls, this is my life
My last google search is "how to build a flamethrower"
he drank all my beer while i was at work and passed out on my couch, when i got home he was out cold and my room mates pig was licking him. they seemed peaceful, so i took 20 bucks from his wallet and left again.
There is naked swordfighting and something green and alcoholic going on in the basement. COME. OVER. NOW.
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
So the day after the 4th I'm sitting here drinking Molson and watching NHL free agent frenzy. From patriotic American to drunken Canadian in 24 hours flat. Booyah.
You had me at "let me see your balls"
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
Randomize
