Guess who has two thumbs, loves booze, and just dug half a handle of rumb out of a trash can in a freshmen dorm? This classy gentleman. Good day to you sir!
maybe i'll see you again later :)
I'd rather shit a knife.
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
Never again. Her vagina looked like a sad old man.
Dude, you need to come clean your dates vomit off the ceiling. What in the hell were you guys doing?!
It's so hard to find a shirt to wear out that is easily taken off, cut off my paramedics, but says "I'm a grown, respected woman"
You know it's time to cut back when your unemployed drug dealer roommate tells you that you party too hard.
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
We definitely need to avoid these "I'm gonna get stabbed if I stay here any longer" partys
You came down the stairs dressed as winnie the pooh and kicking cups off the table and out of people's hands
I ate a hotdog off the ground last night.
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
His parents bailed him out, the police said they found him on a curb trying to call people on his wallet, hahha. He had his wallet open to his ear callin people
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