I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
Even DaVinci knew it was gay to draw the penis big. Thanks art history
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
sometimes i think what itd be like to be a firework
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
Seriously wondering if smoking a bowl for lunch was a bad idea.
OR THE BEST. STAY TUNED.
was it me or did you scream 'champagne motherfucker' when you punched him in the face ??
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
Check the mailbox while you're out!
I already looked this morning. You go check and see what you won on Ebay after your day drinking spree.
is there a way to say "yea i broke my wrist cause i fell down some stairs while tripping my face off on acid" without actually saying it?
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
I volunteer to be the person who breaks into the room and runs around naked and has to be escorted out by police.
Everyone else's "needs" are getting in the way of my alcoholism.
I met up with trey last night. He whispered in my ear "I love you" then raised his voice and said "but not in a I want to marry you kind of way, but if you died I would cry."
Randomize