He toold me that when we were younger I was his boner buddy.
i went to a real vip club. the bathroom attendant was wiping down counters after girls wearing gucci did lines of coke on them. where did MY life go wrong
So, during a 20 minute shower I spent 19 minutes spinning in circles and 1 minute licking the wall, and it was better than sex. I can't wait to do X again.
Not enough clothes on. Not enough vagina. Not enough drugs in my body.
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
Also we saw a clown getting arrested. Rochester is weird.
I have no idea what those words in that order meant, but if you go to Florida send me pics of strippers
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
Far too many of our conversations end in us talking about sperm
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
I have a hickey in my new work ID photo.....
In between explaining the best feminist lenses for the myth of Persephone and doing vodka shots with my friends she dragged me into my car and gave me an Earth shattering blow job. Honestly I think I'm in love.
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
So, I just found out Ireland, is #1 in binge drinking. I know its Sunday but this one is for America.
Got everyone out of my house, somehow managed to put all my lawn furniture back, puked in my sink, and cleaned it up all while black out drunk before my parents came home. Successful night.
Randomize
