She actually said during sex "the only thing that would make this more perfect is if we were listening to Lenny Kravitz"
So, obviously, you had to give a fake number this morning.
Yes. Also, we may never be able to go back to that bar again.
she was trying to give me a handjob in biology class while we were learning about the penis.
i need you to babysit me first week back at school. havent had tequila, adderal, or sex w randoms in 3 months
I'm going to practice throwing things up the the air and catching them between my boobs, because that seems like a cool party trick.
So I walk in and he's teaching someone in London via Skype how to roll a blunt. I have new found respect for him.
We bonded over the fact that we each, separately, got arrested on the same weekend.
If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina
I told you those kegels would come in handy one day
Hey I came back and we made joints with the breathalyzers the cops left last night.
yea talk to her if you feel up to it. Just remember who you are
Oh shit sorry I just gave lion king advice sorry not mufasa
I have experienced an excessively hairy ballsack in my mouth...and it was horrifying. I keep feeling it in my mouth now. It's like hairy ball PTSD.
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
fuck st louis. fuck their hockey. fuck their basball. fuck their football if they still got it. fuck their tiddlywinks teamm. fuck their ribs. fuck their entire city. what im trying to say is i dont like st louis
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
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