Im broke. I spend all my money on weed cigarettes alcohol and food. In that order. I cant even cut one of those because you know it'd be food. I already stopped getting my nails done just so i could support my bad habits.
I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
my head hurts. i need an adult
and not like a cool parent adult. like a full fledged party pooper grandparent adult
it's a simple rule - pass out shirtless on the couch, become an airsoft target.
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
If I don't have hickies that last till tuesday, I didn't do this weekend right
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
Guy pissing in the corner in downtown Boston as his girlfriend is covering him up, yelling "relationship goals"
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
How is there a hawk inside this house? More importantly how the hell is he handling it without any gear?
Apparently I gave a guy a hand job on the dance floor. ON THE DANCE FLOOR.
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