just fyi, hangover + ice skates = really bad idea
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
Her throat is strong enough to gargle peanut butter. I'm sure you were satisfied.
my night ended with a pity blow in a racecar bed
he doesn't even text me anymore.. he just facebook chats me a shark emoticon which has turned into code for 'be naked at my house in 15 mins'
Our foot and a bit height difference is kinda fun, except she's so tiny that after we ate burritos it looked like she was pregnant. I had a confusing bonner.
Dude, the coffee is horrible this morning, Cass changed something about it
We ran out of Bailey's Irish cream...
This is what regular coffee tastes like?!?! Fuck the adult life.
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
Ps I just used the "If you give a mouse a cookie" defense in a real life situation. Suck it
We really gotta change brands again because 2-ply is making us feel like the celebrities we aren't.
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
you didnt realize it, but you puked in the bushes in front of a church and yelled "GOD IS DEAD"
I went to my AA meeting last night. My drug dealer is now my counselor.
Randomize
