just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
my grandma just told me that size does matter, and don't let anyone tell you anything different.
Yeah she is in it for the money, wait til she finds out i am broke and the sex doesnt get better
Today's face brought to you by last night's make-up.
That's like lying to my vagina. I can't betray it like that.
currently waiting for her to check in on Facebook, the second she does I'm there. someone is getting laid tonight
I'm not stalking, she is pretty much begging me to come find her if she checks in
He actually has his life put together though, during the date we walked by a shoppers drugmart where my friend and I once flashed a janitor and all I could wonder was how does he not see shit show written all over me?
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
I just stole some rubbers from the girl I stayed with last night so I can use them on a different girl today..
We have your weave and dirt in our room.
HOW MANY BOYS NOT ONLY APPROVE OF YOUR PLAN TO BECOME POCAHONTAS, BUT WANT TO MAKE SURE YOU DO IT RIGHT? One, the answer is one, and he is the best and if anyone ever tries to steal him I can assure you they will never be heard from again
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
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