Am I a whore if I make out with a boy just so michelle can't?
Plus apparently whenever one of her friends loses their virginity they get a party with a funfetti cake which I found funny
Are you still at the party or did I leave?
Last night you were talking while puking saying, "ahh the shoes and the purse, I'm gonna have to wash those"
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
My liver hurts and I just woke up from my first sleep in two days
Sounds like the perfect vacation
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
Can I come over? I respect you, but I want disrespectful things to happen
I just encountered the same creepy guy I showed you, he jumped inside the dumpster screaming.
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
Whelp, I woke up on the front lawn this morning. I have got to stop wearing these underwear. Every time I do, I end up puking in someone's greenery.
Randomize
