Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
I'm going to listen to christmas music to trick my body into cooling off.
I don't know what he sees in her. All I see are horrible pancake nipples
We left the window open. My vibrators funeral is at 2ish.....bring a side dish or some shit.
You walked in on me taking a shit and told me to hit the bong
Friends help friends remove their foot from the sunroof after an epic smoke sesh.
This was just another one of those days you wished you had a penis-size indicator instead of wasting your time isn't it?
I'm going to make a mold of my tits to bake a cake for him for our anniversary.. I can see the pride in his eyes now.
My mouth feels like I've been chewing on leather and firecrackers for the past 3 days
I just told him that with every paper, I'd take a picture of myself with one less piece of clothing. Who say's I can't be a tutor?
Tell them to carpool to pride, have a 3way, and if one says 'no thanks' just tell em it's not gay if it happened in a 3way!
the hole that the tears left- fill it with pizza
Alas, I cannot find a male suitor sharing my affinity for sport culture who will both manhandle me and treat me with the respect a young Hillary supporter wants and deserves
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
Randomize
