i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
why do guys feel they can ask questions when im blowing them? you'd think they'd know my answer will always be "mmhmhmhmmm"
I asked about his 3 inch scar on his chest. It's from when he had to castrate a bull on the estancia. Apparently this is how good bull meat is made.
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
So howd u manage to get high at a one year olds birthday anyway?
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
you cant ever make fun of my bong's stick on moustache again. its the reason the cop let me keep it and my weed.
He is dust bro dust in the wind I waited in this unlocked car long enough.
Living in the dorms has served one purpose and one purpose only for me: to teach me that pooping in public bathrooms is okay and that I can do it
There's a chance I told a cop that I was ready for him to strip I may have even taken some ones out of my purse and stuck them in his holster
It's a noodle incident. All I can say is that it was completely accidental, no one was too seriously injured, and I'm not allowed back to that bar without a designated pusher for my wheelchair.
I couldn't read the menu. I ordered the first thing I was able to read. Don't think I ate anything. Left $20 on the table.
You are free to stop by. I promise to keep my penis in my leather pants
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
Randomize
