Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
i don't remember it, but i know we had sex because my stuffed animals were facing the wall
I didn't know what to do with her so I just tied her to a bench.
This guy either needs to stop touching me or buy me another drink.
In a strange taxi 3059. Battery dying I'm dying. Bye.
I don't know how we managed to stay up but we actually sat in front of her open refrigerator for god knows how long while she ate salami straight out of the package with her fingers and I laughed. It was a trainwreck.
Yeah. Just jump him. Naked. Claim his dick for yourself.
I apologized for the whole SWAT team incident to the roommate.
i need some food
Holy shit I forgot about you stabbing him.
I mean your new thing is losing body parts and feeling colors so its not like we are hurting for entertainment
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
she just punched him in the balls in front of everyone and yelled "YOU SEE WHAT YOU MADE ME DO"
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
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