Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
my ass hurt today after the party last night. I wnt to the doctors and they found a coin in a ziplock bag with a note from you. WHAT THE FUCK DID U DO TO ME???
Come see our sink grown plant.
You have to stop getting hammered and preaching about that mission trip to Haiti.
I could barely talk to the cabbie and I was text bombing everyone. They need to make an auto timer app to prevent people like me from belligerent late night harrassing. And I was seeing double... Prob would have tried to give your leg a bj and then fallen down the stairs.
So that groomsmen was naked under his kilt. Also I just had sex in the elevator. And yes, those two updates are definitely related.
When you get home...find me in the shower. Only safe place at the moment.
Exactly. Stay back and unsubscribe from her
He made the Waffle House lady get me out of the car. This isn't a joke.
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
Does sweetest day count when you're spending it with your fuck buddy, high and eating Pizza Hut?
It's very disconcerting to wake up and she is gone. I never know where she could be. It's like playing wheres Waldo but Waldo could potentially be drunk and wandering around in weird places that normal Waldo's don't go.
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
he told me I was hypnotizing him with my mouth so I guess I do give good head
we found her on the beach half naked talking to a palm tree
Which half?
Randomize
