sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
Forgot that I saved my paper as "Eat Shit Edwards" and e-mailed it because I missed class. I'm sure Prof. Edwards will be delighted when she gets it. I don't anticipate a passing grade.
watching elf naked is so much better than watching it with clothes on .
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
if you are still a virgin by winter break we are throwing an aztec themed sacrifice the virgin party
Apparently we were arguing for captain seats so I shouted "who has your virginity." I got the seat.
I'll be gone when you wake up but you hit a girl so I knocked you out. Never hit a girl. Unless it's with your penis.
Dude, I need a lifestyle change. I'm to old to be making out with chicks in foam parties, letting older chicks get all excited because I let them put their hands up my shirt, and running around doing scavenger hunts with 18 yr old chicks.
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
Why make bad decisions when I can watch you?
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
Randomize
