I don't care how ugly she is, I can't turn down a free movie +bj. In this economy that's downright irresponsible
And then the cop told me my court date was on 4/20. I said come onn u really gunna do me like that
So he thinks I sent him a picture of my boob last night, but it was really just a close up of my arm.
She's trying to master eating with her feet. She said it was be she "always has to be prepared."
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
He was wearing a tux and a big sombrero so it automatically made the flute he was playing totally cool
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
I texted him a series of texts in which the first letters of each text spelled out "WE SHOULD HAVE SEX". If that's not dedication to the dick, I don't know what is
This day took a left turn at "This is your going away party, I got a bunch of blow."
I have a txt file I don't remember making open on my desktop. All it says is "what it's like to be a bat"
Great, now even dream!me is a drunken borderline mess.
There was a woman who drank mouth wash to get drunk during her supposed detox...this is def the internship for me!
I was simply suggesting that you really should try coke bondage sex.
Randomize
