end the night at a gay bar...not sure how...but why the fuck do i have two condoms in my pocket?
I just spent twenty minutes with brandons dad explaining why head isnt typically considered sex...can we say awkward?
i called my mom using *69 and said this was the principal and Matt has a snow a day today. she believed me.
Is it weird that out of everything, Im most worried about chipping a tooth on his prince albert?
The last thing I remember is him grabbing my ass and telling me he knew where the jello shots were, so I followed him.
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
If my penis could make facial expressions, it would constantly have a smile on.
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
Master Skywalker, there are too many of them. What am I going to do?
Hit on the one in the red shorts. The thirst is strong with this one.
I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date.
My roommate walked in naked grabbed my hand and pulled me into her room to see her randoms dick.
I just wanna get high and take a fucking awesome nap. Those are my goals for the week.
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
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