my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
he just wrote my ten page research paper for tit pics. i love my boobs.
I don't think requesting him as a BBM contact is proper protocol following vomming in his bed.
I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us.
apparently i found nail polish and started playing a game i made up called "paint a nail, do a shot"
We asked "Is that Andy puking in the bushes, its 7 AM" he looks up and goes "It's okay guys, its 7:30"
Scored tix to flower show. Do we want to go drunk on Saturday or hungover on Sunday? Only two options.
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
We found him in the neighbors shed using a bicycle as a blanket. We just left him there.
i don't even know why we got arrested this time. i think the cops just like our company at this point
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
it's just weird to think of you as a teacher since ive seen you throw up raspberry bacardi in my parents house
With great boredom comes great irresponsibility.
Please tell me you're not on their roof again..
I am a taco. I am also really high.
I've always seen you more as a chimichanga.
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
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