he was wearing sponge bob boxers. Guess how long he lasted.
She was walking with the authority that 2 beers gave to a light weight.
...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
y-o-u-r-e = you are, y-o-u-r = your. you are a bag of douche not your bag of douche. if you're going to insult me at least do it in proper english. that is all.
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
i was actually impressed that she managed to throw up underwater while scuba diving
Its not christmas eve unless I give him head. I wont take no for an answer
I have surprise drugs for everyone
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
Just make sure my intervention has a theme...
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
Today's goals: get day drunk then sober up in time for the walking dead tonight.
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
Randomize
