Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
No idea how i never noticed that penis before. I wonder if it works
I don't know if the fire truck was perfect timing or if she actually burned something down.
Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
it was like, one of those nights where you keep going back to the fridge because you just can't get full. except, with sex.
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
He's basically like a fancy dildo that buys me dinner.
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
I'm reliable. I always make it home. I always throw up in the street too.
So apparently someone caught him as he was falling. And carried him around the rest of the night.
So a guy died and our dates revived him with CPR. Good night?
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
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