Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
first i yelled "you cant get it up?" and then in the middle of it i opened a Corona
were having a shit on karen session at work but then she walked in so we used code names instead and she tried to join in like she knew them
Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
I also have a full keg. I'm thinking about crashing a party, they can't get mad if I bring a keg of beer.
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
I let him watch sportscenter while we fucked. How did he repay me? I'm now missing class to get a shot in the ass for the clap. You and I are getting wasted and keying someone's car this weekend.
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
YOU HAVE BEEN BAD TOUCHED BY THE LEPRECHAUN OF CHOICES
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
How weird would it be to ask your bro to 3d print your dick for me
2015 is the year I FINALLY ALMOST had enough dick to satisfy me.
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
Randomize
