I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
YOU GOT EVICTED FROM A TRAILER PARK!?!? WTF!!!!!
well i just set every background of each phone in the verizon store to my face
the cops didnt even wait to start drinking the confiscated alchohol from the party
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
I'm seriously considering refraining from drinking on school nights.
I like how you say that with 4 school days left of the school year..
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
Mashed potatoes are always the fuckin answer ok.
Never in my life did I think i would give a blow job in the bathroom of my old elementary school. Twice.
Hey I didn't mean to come across like I was judging you about your liberal sexual choices. I would like details of your threesome if you need to talk about it!
i don't want him to see me in a bathing suit.
hasn't he seen you naked?
well yeah, but it's different in a bathing suit.
I am going to constantly be reminded of you for the next couple of days because of how sore my vagina is. It's just the price I have to pay.
Randomize
