I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
sticking your finger down your throat to make yourself throw up is bulimia, not morning sickness, so no, I don't think you're pregnant.
Best friends brother. Beat that.
You've had your dick in my mouth. I don't think there are all that many barriers in our friendship at this point.
I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
I was chasing moonshine with vodka last night. I'm still not sure how I'm sober right now.
pretty sure I woke up to him jacking himself off IN MY BED
I refuse to believe this is a lapse in my dick hunting skills. It's gotta be the gods playing a game.
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
Do you remember the guy that smelled like hot dogs?
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
I RAN OVER A NUN! I RAN OVER A FUCKING NUN! GOD WILL NEVER FORGIVE ME FOR MY SINS NOW!!!
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
Randomize
