she came over and started getting naked and said its not like i came over to just hang out
youve hit the jackpot
even my farts smell like vagina
I'm in the library if you wanna come give me library head.
Two words Indian burn...
What did she think it was, a shake weight?
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
We have six bottles of wine and we are at target buying baby oil to grease up the sleds with, just in case you're interested.
It looks like I promised him my virginity, in spanish. What the hell did you give me?
Try to make ecstasy cheese. Capitalize on the molly and greek yogurt trends. MARKETING
I'm somewhere between crying and wanting to orgasm.
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
He offered me free drinks all night if I could beat him in a drinking race. I blacked out after that but just found his credit card in my bra so there's that.
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