apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
we were taking shots of hot tequila, which is even worse than it sounds
I think I know how big ted kennedy's penis is.
He just seriously used the word "skeet." Can we please find another way to get weed?
No. Take one for the team.
I'm a terrible person. There are two guys speaking sign language on the metro platform and at first I thought they were drunk and doing a silly dance.
I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
I stayed up for hours making sure you didnt pass out in a mountain of your own puke. But when I heard you yell AWWWW FUUCCKK, somehow I knew everything would be ok
Is it bad to get into the ocean at night? i always thought sharks hated the smell of vomit after drinking
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
Also, am I the only one who noticed he didn't fuck you until after you were technically a cripple? Or am I reading into this too much? Congrats on that btw
Oh I love our desires, it's riding my bike at 2 AM with a massive erection that I dislike.
I did something similar high once. I stopped like 30 feet in front of a stop sign because I felt like it was running towards me and I started crying. Got out my car and hugged it and told it not to run away people need it.
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
I totally intended to come to the hotel, but I woke up in a parking lot
The struggle is real.
Ugh. My life is a never ending cycle of bad decisions and taquitos.
Randomize
